Being a single Mother....oh what a responsibility.
I became a single parent about 5 years ago....life threw some serious curve balls my way but like my mother before me I somehow picked up the pieces and pushed through.
Today, she's 7....she's smart, funny, sensitive, full of heart felt compassion for everyone she comes in contact with, beautiful inside and out....I could go on for hours about how awesome my girl is. I guess I did something right. Although there was no one to help me navigate through the lonely nights, the times I'd go without to be sure she was fed, the nights I'd stay up all night with her and have to choose to miss work because there was no other option....I failed miserably at times but managed to somehow push through.
I pushed through--I look back and honestly don't know how. Perhaps by the grace of God.
Today I still face some of the same struggles, the same fears of absolute failure except now I face my biggest critic--Me. Mainly because now that she's older & more observant she can point out my shortcomings without realizing what she is doing or because I have begun to hear myself in her at times. I hear her talk or respond to something and immediately I hear me. My heavy sigh, my heavy grunt, my displeasure in the things around me, or maybe even just 'oh & aw' at a cute puppy or kitten....I hear her mimic those very things. (I also hear the wise words of my baby sister bellowing in the back of my mind...."becareful what you say, she's always listening") She's right. My girl is listening. She's always listening....it's actually kinda weird. Because of it I am more aware of myself & my every movement and there are times when I don't like what I see. I find the more I critique myself, she does the same. It's hard to find a balance with being happy in my own skin knowing it will spill over into her ability to be comfortable & happy with who she is.
How do I teach her things I am still learning??
How do I answer questions I have no answers to??
With this added scariness and frustration....I find solice in three things. First is I am human & humans tend to make mistakes--A LOT of mistakes but with those mistakes is the grand start over button. I have the ability to recover and learn from those mistakes. There is no obsolute until death...and even then we will face our maker. The second is forgiveness. Forgiving myself or others when a mistake is made. The hardest thing to do if you like to hold a grudge like I do. The third is love. Loving unconditionally. The 2nd hardest thing to do when you are holding a grudge and you don't feel like you or someone else deserves the love you have to give.
Today I still face some of the same struggles, the same fears of absolute failure except now I face my biggest critic--Me. Mainly because now that she's older & more observant she can point out my shortcomings without realizing what she is doing or because I have begun to hear myself in her at times. I hear her talk or respond to something and immediately I hear me. My heavy sigh, my heavy grunt, my displeasure in the things around me, or maybe even just 'oh & aw' at a cute puppy or kitten....I hear her mimic those very things. (I also hear the wise words of my baby sister bellowing in the back of my mind...."becareful what you say, she's always listening") She's right. My girl is listening. She's always listening....it's actually kinda weird. Because of it I am more aware of myself & my every movement and there are times when I don't like what I see. I find the more I critique myself, she does the same. It's hard to find a balance with being happy in my own skin knowing it will spill over into her ability to be comfortable & happy with who she is.
How do I teach her things I am still learning??
How do I answer questions I have no answers to??
With this added scariness and frustration....I find solice in three things. First is I am human & humans tend to make mistakes--A LOT of mistakes but with those mistakes is the grand start over button. I have the ability to recover and learn from those mistakes. There is no obsolute until death...and even then we will face our maker. The second is forgiveness. Forgiving myself or others when a mistake is made. The hardest thing to do if you like to hold a grudge like I do. The third is love. Loving unconditionally. The 2nd hardest thing to do when you are holding a grudge and you don't feel like you or someone else deserves the love you have to give.
I want to be the best mother I can possibly be....I have failed in so many areas that I'm ashamed to admit but I want her to see through the ashes lay the beauty of learning to forgive yourself for those mistakes, rising up and loving yourself just as you are.
She is teaching and stretching me to uncomfortable levels but for her I'd do anything.
I will be the best mother I can possibly be.
Eventually. Until then.....it's a work in progress.
I wrote this a few years back and it seemed fitting to end this post.
I remember.
i remember the day i found out i was pregnant....didn't seem real.
I will be the best mother I can possibly be.
Eventually. Until then.....it's a work in progress.
I wrote this a few years back and it seemed fitting to end this post.
I remember.
i remember the day i found out i was pregnant....didn't seem real.
i remember the day i felt you kick me from the inside......didn't seem like my insides would survive.
i remember the day i found out "it's a girl"......didn't seem like the supply of pink would ever be enough.
i remember hearing your heartbeat......didn't seem possible it could be that fast.
i remember seeing your profile on the screen.......didn't want to admit it but you looked a bit like Charlie Brown.
i remember the night we checked into the hospital.........didn't remember to pack everything.
i remember dr. myers saying "the baby is in distress, you need to have a c-section"...............didn't want to be cut open.
i remember seeing your face right after he got you out............didn't even remember he was still trying to sew me up.
i remember the moment i held you in my arms for the first time after all the excitement was over.....i didn't think it was possible.....
possible to love someone so tiny so so much.........
on your birthday (and everyday) i remember it is.
I love you Monkey....more than you'll ever know.
i remember the day i found out "it's a girl"......didn't seem like the supply of pink would ever be enough.
i remember hearing your heartbeat......didn't seem possible it could be that fast.
i remember seeing your profile on the screen.......didn't want to admit it but you looked a bit like Charlie Brown.
i remember the night we checked into the hospital.........didn't remember to pack everything.
i remember dr. myers saying "the baby is in distress, you need to have a c-section"...............didn't want to be cut open.
i remember seeing your face right after he got you out............didn't even remember he was still trying to sew me up.
i remember the moment i held you in my arms for the first time after all the excitement was over.....i didn't think it was possible.....
possible to love someone so tiny so so much.........
on your birthday (and everyday) i remember it is.
I love you Monkey....more than you'll ever know.
Such a beautiful writing. I'm proud of you both! "She want's to be just like you"!
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