Before I continue this post, to be fair, this isn't about how I grew up in a divorced home with an emotionally absent father. Yes, it wasn't the best or ideal of beginnings and I know my father loves me & is trying to be a better father & person. I love my father, I've always known I can call him whenever I need him and he will be there but there are past hurts that need to be confronted. I have begun the very delayed healing process of forgiveness and stopped the blame game. However, this is about how I've allowed that situation over take my life and dictate who I was going to be. Now that I've accepted this reality it is now my responsibility to myself and my daughter how I choose to destroy that dictation.
As a child, I was unaware but as I grew into adulthood, I began to know better. However, the trust that was betrayed built a barrier around me, maybe for safety and the word forgiveness wasn't even a part of my language. Most people put up some sort of shield to protect themselves from getting hurt instead of allowing themselves to feel the pain or deal with the pain. I know now why I refused for so long....because it's ugly & uncomfortable to look at yourself & to be completely vulnerable to the possibility that I was hurt, I was a little girl all over again, waiting at the window for him to pick me up and never showed. Instead of realizing as an adult, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't me at all. I gathered it all up and made it all about me. I allowed the hurt control and take the wheel instead of just letting go & letting God, I honestly didn't know how--I still don't know how. (I'm slowly wading through that one--lol) The result was the inability to truly function & grow in who I was because I got lost. One bad relationship after another.....always blaming someone else for what truly was my own mistrust & un-forgiveness of mankind. It was not fair to blame someone else for my own insecurities, for my baggage, I'm pretty sure they had their very own. I knew the root of my problem, ignored it and began to feel entitled. I began to react instead of respond to situations, confrontations, & relationship hardships because I conditioned myself to believe this is what I was entitled to do. "I am entitled to be this way because of..."
This brings us to my current state of being....I am a divorced woman who found love, became engaged, started a life together and yet once again find myself not only on the verge of another failed relationship but also losing one of the most important and influential man in my life, in my daughter's life. For the first time, not willing to let go without a fight, I am forced to ask MYSELF--Why? I know I can only take responsibility for my own actions and that's not to say he also hasn't played a pivotal role in this undoing but because I have felt entitled to be this way, reacted instead of responding, I got angry & not wanted to listen to the ugly & uncomfortable truth, the mistrust crept in and BAM! the wall of safety appeared -- I immediately let that dictate the direction of the relationship.
The last 7 days have been awful as well as healing....they've been hard but have left me determined more than ever to stop playing the victim card and be ME--the very vulnerable & imperfect me I can be. In the midst of this current state, I am forced remind myself I am a hard working & great mother, I have a strength that surpasses my understanding but I know it's there --it carries me. I am a friend, sister and daughter and at times I get things very wrong...I know through all the anger and entitlement, is a love so great even I'm unsure how to manage it. From this day forward, no matter the outcome of mine and his current state of being, I will no longer be the victim of past circumstance. I will press forward and be a pillar of strength to break the chain of dictation so my beautiful daughter won't fall prey to the very same circumstance she has unknowingly been placed in so when she grows into adulthood she has the tools to know the difference.
She will feel worthy instead of entitled, she will feel love instead of anger, she will feel forgiveness instead of bitterness. She will be strong and accept that being vulnerable at times is okay.
As a child, I was unaware but as I grew into adulthood, I began to know better. However, the trust that was betrayed built a barrier around me, maybe for safety and the word forgiveness wasn't even a part of my language. Most people put up some sort of shield to protect themselves from getting hurt instead of allowing themselves to feel the pain or deal with the pain. I know now why I refused for so long....because it's ugly & uncomfortable to look at yourself & to be completely vulnerable to the possibility that I was hurt, I was a little girl all over again, waiting at the window for him to pick me up and never showed. Instead of realizing as an adult, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't me at all. I gathered it all up and made it all about me. I allowed the hurt control and take the wheel instead of just letting go & letting God, I honestly didn't know how--I still don't know how. (I'm slowly wading through that one--lol) The result was the inability to truly function & grow in who I was because I got lost. One bad relationship after another.....always blaming someone else for what truly was my own mistrust & un-forgiveness of mankind. It was not fair to blame someone else for my own insecurities, for my baggage, I'm pretty sure they had their very own. I knew the root of my problem, ignored it and began to feel entitled. I began to react instead of respond to situations, confrontations, & relationship hardships because I conditioned myself to believe this is what I was entitled to do. "I am entitled to be this way because of..."
This brings us to my current state of being....I am a divorced woman who found love, became engaged, started a life together and yet once again find myself not only on the verge of another failed relationship but also losing one of the most important and influential man in my life, in my daughter's life. For the first time, not willing to let go without a fight, I am forced to ask MYSELF--Why? I know I can only take responsibility for my own actions and that's not to say he also hasn't played a pivotal role in this undoing but because I have felt entitled to be this way, reacted instead of responding, I got angry & not wanted to listen to the ugly & uncomfortable truth, the mistrust crept in and BAM! the wall of safety appeared -- I immediately let that dictate the direction of the relationship.
The last 7 days have been awful as well as healing....they've been hard but have left me determined more than ever to stop playing the victim card and be ME--the very vulnerable & imperfect me I can be. In the midst of this current state, I am forced remind myself I am a hard working & great mother, I have a strength that surpasses my understanding but I know it's there --it carries me. I am a friend, sister and daughter and at times I get things very wrong...I know through all the anger and entitlement, is a love so great even I'm unsure how to manage it. From this day forward, no matter the outcome of mine and his current state of being, I will no longer be the victim of past circumstance. I will press forward and be a pillar of strength to break the chain of dictation so my beautiful daughter won't fall prey to the very same circumstance she has unknowingly been placed in so when she grows into adulthood she has the tools to know the difference.
She will feel worthy instead of entitled, she will feel love instead of anger, she will feel forgiveness instead of bitterness. She will be strong and accept that being vulnerable at times is okay.
Today it is no longer Man vs. Me, it is only Me vs. Me......only I can change the outcome of my circumstance. If for nothing else but to finally be at peace with me.
Does this make sense in the slightest....cause in my head I'm totally thinking it does. I promise not every post will be so "debbie downer" like but again....this is a process. I hope you'll stay along for the journey.
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